What I've Learned from 2 years of Being Single

A story of Coming Home to Myself

I’ve always loved journaling. I remember before I had ever been in a relationship, all my journal entries were about me. What was lighting me up. What I was calling in, what I was letting go of. But I had never been in love yet. And I really wanted to experience what it was like to be in love.

3 years of journal entries about insert guy’s name here later, I longed for the day when my journal entries would be about Cloe again.

So, when I ended my last relationship, two years ago on this day, I knew I would need to be single for a while. I needed to come back to me. So, I reframed today as being the anniversary of “Coming Home to Myself.”

It has not been the easiest journey.

On this day two years ago, I was living with my boyfriend in Bali. We had plans to leave Bali and move to Hawaii together. We had our tickets booked. I was supposed to go home and celebrate Christmas with his family, and then we’d go to Kauai.

But I knew it wasn’t right. I had known for a while. I just couldn’t go through with the whole thing while my gut was screaming at me that something was wrong (literally - IBS peeps will know).

So I followed my gut, not knowing where it would lead me. The break-up was challenging, as break-ups are. I remember, at the time, pulling the “Tower Moment” card in Tarot. If anyone knows of that card in Tarot, you know it means that shit’s basically about to hit the fan. Or you’re about to swirl into a shit tornado. Basically, everything is going to crumble. I thought that it must just be about the break-up.

Without going into too much detail because it’s still too painful/confusing for me to talk about, the things I had thought about my family, childhood and upbringing all came crumbling down. To this day, I still am unsure about what my truth is. But I’ve somewhat found peace in not knowing. At least, as much as I can right now.

So off I went on this journey of finding myself. I had a suitcase and my guitar, alongside a broken heart, a shattered relationship with my family, and no real place that felt like home. I felt more heartbroken, isolated and alone than I had ever been.

But I slowly picked up the pieces and built a heart, a foundation, and a home for myself sturdier than I could ever imagine.

I read in an article the other day that the theme for this full moon in Taurus, which is full tonight in the early hours of the morning, is about coming home to yourself.

“The full Moon in November 2024 is an invitation to come home to yourself. Taurus reminds you that no matter how chaotic life can feel within or around you, we always have resources to support yourself. Lean into this feeling today and let it return you home. Then feel how this home was with you all along. Even when the world throws you about and you feel like you’re falling, you always have a foundation within yourself where you can land. Feel this strength within you during the full Moon in November 2024 and release anything that makes you doubt it.”

At the beginning of 2023, I felt like I was left with almost nothing. Luckily, I’ve always had a roof over my head; a physical home. But I lost all emotional connections to home. I had lost my romantic relationship, my home in Bali with my community and all my friends there, my relationship with my dad, and in some way, even my relationship with my sisters. I was also struggling with chronic/auto-immune health issues at the time and felt so weak, tired and foggy. I felt like I had lost my health, my vitality, my ability to think clearly or function highly. I was depressed as hell. And most of all, I had in a way lost my relationship with my own self-trust and intuition. God, it was a tough year. I felt so alone.

I went off to Kauai for a month to get away from all the noise in my family at the time, and because I didn’t really know where else to go. I cried every day for that first month. Some days I cried most of the day. I was on an island I’d never been to and didn’t know anyone (well, except for my ex who I was no longer in contact with.)

I felt the call to go back to LA and moved in with my sister for a bit. Over the months that followed, I went through the darkest depression I’d ever experienced. It was hard to know if there would be a light at the end of the tunnel with months without it. But piece by piece, I put myself back together. I wished on dandelions every day for the life I was yearning for.

I didn’t know if LA was where I was supposed to be but I just knew I needed to decide on a place to live so I could start to build a foundation. So, I got myself my own apartment. It has become the safest sanctuary I’ve ever known.

I restored my health from the ground up, working with some amazing holistic doctors and healers. I spent my evenings researching bloodwork results and biohacking. I discovered I had mold toxicity, which was causing the intense brain fog and fatigue. I detoxed from the mold by running, using saunas, and doing IV infusions. I fully healed my chronic cystic acne I have had for my entire adult life. I started a daily movement practice, and have made movement one of the most important parts of my life.

I started to put myself out there, going to all sorts of events by myself, and truly being the most authentic version of myself at all of them. I knew that the only way to find my people was to be completely myself. But it wasn’t easy. I don’t feel like anyone told me how hard it is to truly be the unmasked, completely authentic version of yourself and accept that you won’t be everyone’s cup of tea. I realized that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. Like some people really don’y like my tea. But for those who do, I am like their FAVORITE cup of tea.

So, I found my tribe of fellow weirdos and neuro-divergents and highly sensitives and people who want to just play and sing and dance all the time. I didn’t know it was possible… to play so much as an adult. Most of my connections are built around play, and I don’t really desire to go to a social event if play isn’t a part of it.

I’ve been my own shoulder to cry on. I can’t tell you how many nights I’ve cried myself to sleep while stroking my hair and speaking aloud to myself, “You’re okay, Cloe. I love you.” Or the amount of voice memos I’ve recorded, talking myself through difficult emotions. I’ve shaken, I’ve screamed, I’ve pounded pillows. I’ve guided myself through anger, grief, deep loneliness.

But you don’t need to feel sad for me. Because the depths of grief I have felt have deepened my ability to feel greater heights of joy. I can’t even begin to recount the amount of times I have felt so high and in a trance-like state from singing and dancing. Chanting kirtan, entering flow states with others at Ecstatic Dance, contact dance, various jam improv circles. I take myself on long walks and hikes where I feel I talk to God, I dance on the beach, I blissfully experience the world through my own lens.

And the best part… my journal entries are yet again about me. My excitements, my joys, my dreams. And of course, my worries and my fears. But they are about me.

Happy 2 year anniversary to you, Cloe.

I love you.

And to who-ever’s reading, I love you too.

Thanks for taking the time to read this little story about my journey of “Coming Home to Myself.” Time is our most precious gift, and I’m grateful that you chose to spend it with me.

With love,

Cloe ❤️

References:

Full Moon in Taurus Article: Article: https://www.yogajournal.com/lifestyle/astrology/full-moon-in-taurus-november-2024/